Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Me. Little Boy. and The Drug.

Once upon a time, I had a Little Boy. And a beautiful Little Boy he was. He had a twinkle in his eye, a bright smile... and just a ton of energy. His hair was curly, he had cute little dimples and he was sort of a chunk... so adorable. I can still see his face and hear his excited little squeal.

When Little Boy was born, he was about 6 weeks premature. We never had the 'bonding' experience that most mothers have with their babies. Due to unexpected medical problems, the doctors took him from me immediately and he had to stay in the Neonatal Unit for a couple of weeks. I can still see the images in my mind of Little Boy when the doctor held up his little arm and it fell lifelessly to the table. I'll never forget.

When Little Boy was young, I had to work long hours. So many long hours that most of my memories of Little Boy are just a blur. You see... I was a single parent. Little Boy's dad was never involved in his life. One day though, Little Boy's dad returned... but that caused more harm than good. The 'dad' he had never known and really didn't know how to miss... suddenly had a face. So when 'dad' disappeared again after a short time... Little Boy was left wondering where he was. And that made Little Boy's mom very angry. She loved her Little Boy... and she would not let this 'dad' hurt him again. It would have to be all or nothing. So Little Boy's dad... chose nothing.

Sadly, Little Boy was not like other little boys. He needed much more attention. More encouragement. More affirmation than the average little boy. Some kids come out of divorce unscathed... but not Little Boy. He felt something missing. He needed a man's approval... he needed a dad. Unfortunately, I was both mother and father, and I worked so much that I was horribly exhausted on the days that I had off. I didn't have the time or energy to give Little Boy what he needed. And what I did have was shared with his siblings, errands and household duties.

So one day, I fell in love and remarried. Little Boy was so excited. I can still see his beaming face when he exclaimed "I can't believe I'm going to have a dad!" But once again... Little Boy's hopes were dashed as he came to realize that New Dad didn't really know how to be the dad he needed either. New Dad had never been a dad before and it didn't come easy to him. So once again... Little Boy felt rejected.

Regretfully, Little Boy didn't have the best mother, either. I wish I had known how to meet the emotional needs of my Little Boy back then. When it really mattered. I wish I could go back and hold him. Comfort him. Let him know everything would be alright. I wish I could just sit and spend time with my Little Boy. Listen to him. Let him know how much he is loved. Tell him that I worked so he could have a great life. Or maybe... just not work so much.

Well, somewhere during that time... The Drug came into Little Boy's life. The Drug came to fill the emptiness and to take away the pain. The Drug was a deceiver. But Little Boy was unaware. And I was naive. My Little Boy would never go along with The Drug. He told me so. And I believed him. It would be painful to Little Boy if I accused him wrongly. I'm going to stand by my Little Boy.

Now... after years of denial on my part... and countless lies from Little Boy... I finally began to realize that Little Boy wasn't Little Boy anymore. He just wasn't there. It was his voice. And I recognize his face. But nothing else was the same. I don't know who this is. I don't see Little Boy when I look into his eyes. Just a cold, dark emptiness. I don't hear Little Boy in the words that he is saying. He's saying what he thinks I want to hear... but it's not him. It's The Drug. My Little Boy's 'home' has been emptied and is now occupied by The Drug. It has kicked him out and taken over.

This unwelcome guest has held my Little Boy captive for years. The Drug has kept him in bondage. It's taken away all that he loves. It has broken him, taken away his pride and self worth. It's taken his self-respect and robbed him of his independence. The Drug has broken his relationships... it's hurt the people he loves... and those who love him.  It has kept him from an education and cost him every job he's ever had. It keeps him from those who would help him escape it's grip... and yet leads him to others who, like Little Boy, find comfort in it... and have fallen for it's deception. The Drug has taken Little Boy's future.

Now Little Boy only calls to ask for help. But... who is needing help? Little Boy? Or The Drug. It doesn't sound like Little Boy on the phone. I recognize the voice. It's The Drug... and it's just using him. It want's to live longer. It needs to live. It tells Little Boy to 'use' and manipulate everyone that loves him to keep it alive. It makes him do things that he never thought he'd do. The Drug wants Little Boy's life. And that's the worst part. Knowing that my Little Boy needs help... and yet, the very help I give will sustain the life of The Drug... or that every effort to kill The Drug, is like killing my Little Boy along with it... it's as if they are intertwined. It hurts when I help... and it hurts when I don't.

I have come to an end. I know that there is not one thing I can do. Not one thing I can say. No encouragement. No advice. Nothing. There is no action I can take. Nothing that hasn't been said or done many times before. I can't fix it. I can't save my Little Boy. I can't rescue him.


It's like watching my Little Boy 'drowning' in life. He's right before my eyes. He's sinking. He's being swallowed up. He's calling for my help from deep inside. But I can't get to him to save him... he's just beyond my reach. All I can do is stand there and watch... and shout out to him to fight. And for some reason... he's not fighting. He won't save himself. Why? Why won't he fight to live?

I miss him dearly. I miss my Little Boy. I miss his face. I miss his voice... his laugh. The jokes he tells. His personality. I miss the light in his eyes. I miss his life... the place he holds in our family. There's an emptiness where Little Boy used to be. It's been empty so long...

I see my Little Boy... so close, so capable, so deserving of the life he wants... and yet it's out of his grasp. The Drug keeps pulling him farther away. I want to help him take hold of life. But I can't. Only he can do it. Little Boy needs to run from The Drug and never look back. Yet he keeps running back for comfort. A false, deceiving comfort. It is a heart wrenching thing indeed.

Lord, please set my Little Boy free!
Mary Ann


Anonymous said...

We miss him too, Aunt Mary Ann. We all love him. And we love you too.

Jacob, Paula and Gwendalynn

Anonymous said...

You should write a book!

Lisa said...

Oh MaryAnn,
That took a lot of courage to write and my heart is just aching for you. Will you message me Little Boys name at I have a small list of other "little boys" that I'm praying for and would like to add him.

Praying that the God of all hope would fill you with hope as you trust in the Lord... God has a plan for Little to prosper and not to harm, to give him a future and hope as well.
Your friend,

Mary Ann said...

Jacob, Paula and Gwendalynn... I know. And that means a lot. Love you guys!

Anonymous... Someday. :)

Lisa... Thank you so much. I will be sure to send a message to you. Prayer is powerful and the more people praying... the better.

God bless! :)

Anonymous said...

God is with him, there is no doubt in me about that. He knows exactly where he is, & what's going on. Jesus gave His life for him, because He loves him, that much.
He's being taken care of, by God, & the deceiver won't be able to keep a hold of him. No one is more powerful than God. No one can take Little Boy out of His mighty hand.
He will come back. God started a good work in Little Boy, & He promisis that HE WILL FINISH IT. TRUST IN GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART. THERE IS NOTHING GOD CAN'T DO, NOTHING......:D Thank you Father, that you ARE IN CONTROL.

Mary Ann said...

Amen! God is in control. I totally agree. Just being the human that I am... I need a reminder once in a while. Thanks for your words of encouragement. God bless. :)


About Me

nook color at! Now with Popular Apps, Email, Web & Video with Adobe Flash Player!