Sunday, April 10, 2011

Not The Day (or Week) I Had In Mind

When I woke up this morning, I thought my day would be spent at church... listening to Dallas Holm in concert, staying after so the kids could practice their song with the choir for the Palm Sunday performance next weekend, and then stopping for a late lunch on the way home. That's what I thought.

Instead, I sit here with my Baby Girl's head on my lap as she wiggles from pain and I hold her hair back as she vomits... again, and again, and again. She hasn't eaten all day, yet her stomach thinks there's still something in there. Believe me, there isn't. Sleep and rest just won't come for her today. Stupid flu!

It's been that kind of week in general. A week for expecting the unexpected. All the plans in my 'notebook' meant nothing when it came down to it.

Last Sunday, my Hubby twisted his ankle while playing catch with my son at the park. A simple turn, turned bad. His foot was swollen to at least twice it's normal size and he had this tennis-ball-sized bump sticking out from the side. It did get better after a couple of days and few shades of purple we hadn't seen before, and he still went to work. Thankfully, he was aided by a cane my oldest daughter, Little Lady, bought him as a 'gag' gift for $1 at a thrift store several years ago. Ironic? Yes... that was too funny! (oh... you had to be there.)

Then on Monday, I had taken my mom for her 4th reconstructive surgery for this darn skin cancer. Such a small-looking thing can cause so much trouble if not taken care of immediately. This was by far the worst. When they brought me back to sit with her in recovery, I have to admit I was shocked. Not shocked at the scars, stitches or even the blood... but shocked at the extent of it all. It looked as if they had made a jig-saw puzzle with her face. To see my mother looking so helpless and 'beat up' was a little more than I expected. I had to hold back the tears as I told her how well she did and that the surgery went just as planned. "What have I done?" was my first thought. Followed by "How can I hide this from her?" You know... when you think you did the right thing at first and then panic at the thought that you really messed up? Uh-huh.

This time, they gave her more drugs than usual, which I didn't like. But it worked out well because I couldn't get her pain medication from the pharmacy 'pending appoval' from her insurance which I'm pretty sure will never come. Thankfully, my mother has a high tolerance for pain and the worst part was over by the time the hospital drugs wore off. Since then, I've been giving her antibiotics every 6 hours, which is very hard to do by the 5th or 6th night. My brain no longer reacts to my alarm. I give her her pills late, but I do give them to her, and I'm just cranky all day long from no sleep. Just ask my Hubby. He's been telling me all week. Errggg.

Then on Tuesday... my sister-in-law, who is only 45, had a mild heart attack. It was a stressful time. She has 4 kids and a husband (my brother) who were very worried. I was worried too. She's too young for heart trouble! Right? She was in the hospital in the small town where she lives, but was transported to a city hospital where she stayed until Thursday. Thankfully, she only suffered damage to 5% of her heart and will be just fine. She will have to make some changes to her diet and physical activity. What's hard for me to understand... is that she has been trying for years to make these changes and I thought she was doing very well. So what happened?

Anyway, on to Wednesday. All is well.... until... my son calls me from school. He's sick. Stomach flu? Who knows... he was running a fever all day and said his stomach didn't feel good... but that was it. Kept him home on Thursday to make sure he was really well and he was back at school on Friday. He couldn't miss the play that his G.A.T.E. class was doing... it was Peter Pan and he was playing Smitty! 

Well, Thursday... ok, that was all I could handle. I'd been tired all week. Exhausted really. Grocery shopping, homework, laundry, etc., on top of everything else... I just came apart. I sat in my shower as long as I could.... as long as the hot water was still running... and cried. I poured my heart out to God.

Things that I thought I had given over to Him long ago came pouring out.... "Lord, I can't do it! I'm no good. I'm a terrible wife, mother, daughter, friend, (and everything else I could think of). I'm tired. I can't manage my home or finances. I can't cook. I don't feed my kids healthy enough. I don't take care of myself. I don't do enough at church. I don't help people. My blog (yes... I brought my blog into it!), it just isn't what I know it should be. Nothing is fun anymore! And it's all about me... I HATE that about myself. See Lord, even my prayer is all about me! Why can't I get it right?" And sadly.... it just got uglier. I, I, I and Me, me, me... and the pity party went on... well, until the water turned cold.

Friday and Saturday? Who knows. Obviously, they came and went... but they are just a blur.

Which brings us back to Sunday! Now, I know my week wasn't what I had planned, but it is what God allowed in my life. And He knows best. He brought me through it. He is preparing me for what's ahead. Making me stronger... mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I have a feeling there may be many more days or weeks like this ahead. But God is my personal trainer. If He says I can do it... I will trust Him. I will not give up.

Since I missed the concert, I thought I'd post my favorite song by Dallas Holm on my blog. It is close to Easter and this is, in my opinion, the best song for Easter. I listened to Dallas Holm about 25 years ago. Wow... that's a long time. So it's an oldie, but a classic...

Thanks for reading and God bless!
Mary Ann :)

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